I basically skipped my adolescence when it came to endorsing clothing trends. I had neither the money nor the confidence to commit to such fleeting affairs, but I admired those who did. Five inch platform flip flops were all the rage back in my high school days and could be found on the feet of approximately 70% of the female student body. Being taller was a nice temptation, but I couldn't see past the exponentially increased chance of spraining an ankle. Apparently I think like a 40 year old man because my volleyball coach felt the same way and banned his players from wearing them during season. Fyew, dodged the outcast train on that one.Now to the point of this entry: Justin Bieber, pull up your pants. There are so many things wrong with this look I need to put them in list form:
One - Justin I can see the top of your Little Bieber and it's not cool. Aside from being completely un-flattering, it can't be comfortable having the pressure of a multiple pieces of unforgiving denim pushing up against it all night.Two - Why is your entire butt outside of your pants, Justin? It's flagrant disregard for the intended function of that article of clothing, not to mention it's downright dangerous. I mean, what if there was a fire in the club and you had to run to get out? You couldn't Justin, you simply couldn't. At best, all you could muster is a penguin's waddle and we all know that's not enough to make it out alive. Don't you want to live, Justin?
Three - Ok, let's assume there is no fire. There will be no running for your life. However, this doesn't mean walking is off the table. Walking is always on the table. Let's say you need to move from the VIP cordoned off bottle service section over to the dance floor to bust a few moves with the ladies. What's that gonna look like to the girl you're walking towards, Justin? What? I'll tell you what it's not going to look like - it's not going to look like a sexy swagger. Your mental self-image will, with 100% certainty, not align with reality on this one. What it is going to look like Justin, is a waddling toddler who has not yet been potty-trained. That's right Justin, you're going to look like a little kid who has just shit himself and is trying to not let it touch his legs.
Four - Justin you're a very wealthy young man; you can afford shirts. They make some really nice ones these days and I'm pretty sure you can even have them custom made to your particular tastes. Yes, yes, we all know you've been spending time at the gym over the last year. You've made it painfully difficult to avoid and we get it by now. Sure, it might have flown during the hot, sticky summer months, but it's Autumn now, Justin - jacket season - and it's time to cover up.
Five - And this is something I know you have little control over so it's a bit of a low blow, but if you could go ahead and start sprouting some facial hair, that would be great. Your milky smooth skin is just another reason I can't take seriously this "thug" persona you're trying so desperately to embody.
Thanks.
